Niall Quinn: an appreciation.

It's hard to say goodbye to someone like Niall Quinn.

He was Sunderland's Roy of the Rovers - as charming, inspirational and decent a fellow as you could ever hope to meet.

He leaves behind a long list of memories and achievements for Sunderland fans to treasure.

Choose your own favourite goal, your own favourite speech and, if you were fortunate enough to ever be in his company, your own favourite "Quinny" story.

He was a great player, a rubbish manager, a great chairman and a true inspiration.

But Niall Quinn was so much more besides.

He was the catalyst, the trailblazer, the public face and the private army-of-one. He saw possibility where others only saw more of the same. He brought grand plans and men with money who might help realise them.

Not every decision turned out to be correct. But everything Quinn did for Sunderland, he did with the best intentions.

His departure's also full of the best intentions. He says he's done what he set out to do and he needs to spend more time with his family. I believe him. In fact it only makes me admire him more.

Quinn would hate to become a ghost haunting the corridors at the Stadium of Light. When he stepped down as Chairman he said he didn't want to hang around just to speak at the dinners and pose for the photos. The best men never want to outstay their welcome.

He dipped his toe in international waters, but Niall Quinn could never comfortably be a background figure at Sunderland. He's too big a part of the history, too big a character.

He's also confident he's found his men - the right man with the right money to run the boardroom. The right man, the best man, to run the team.

So thanks for the memories. I've got dozens. But I only realised the true scale of his achievements a few years ago, when I spent some time at the Niall Quinn Children's Outpatient centre at Sunderland General Hospital with my daughter. She wasn't very well and they made her better.

Niall Quinn made Sunderland better. Not just the football club, but the City as well. That's his legacy. So let Sunderland fans build a statue, name a stand and mark this occasion in any way they see fit. But most importantly, please respect his decision to leave and wish him nothing but the best for his future.

Can you feel the rhythm ?

Martin O’Neill’s first game at Sunderland left a lasting image. A perfect snapshot of an excitable Northern Irishman jumping for joy at the start of a glorious new adventure.

But that’s all it was – a start.

What was most encouraging was that O’Neill seemed to feel the rhythm straight away. He got caught up in the atmosphere and his enthusiasm was absorbed and amplified by the crowd. That’s important, especially in the North East.

Football management is a desperately hard and unforgiving business at the best of times. Here in the North East we don’t do the best of times. By and large we live a silverware-free football existence. It’s other things that matter - other things that decide whether a manager will be successful.

So what is the magic formula ? How do you succeed in an area where success isn’t necessary, but failure is always just around the corner ?

There’s no simple answer. I haven’t got one anyway. The best I can come up with is this: To succeed as a football manager in the North East, you need to feel the rhythm.

I don’t mean a Niall Quinn’s Disco Pants kind of rhythm. I mean the rhythm, the mood, of your public. Understand what they want, what they expect, and you’re half way there. Of course you have to win some matches, preferably lots, and signing the odd superstar helps. But success in the North East isn’t measured by trophies in the cabinet. It isn’t measured by how much money you spend in the transfer market. It’s more to do with creating the right environment and setting the right tone. It’s about making the fans feel excited as they walk to the stadium. It’s about putting a team on the pitch that they can be proud of.

It isn’t easy. A host of big names have come, gone and missed the point spectacularly.

To make it even harder, expectations change and evolve over time. I don’t mean the Great Expectations argument – the trophies, Europe, Champions League, buy-me-a-new-striker argument. I don't even mean the Steve Bruce “3rd top ten finish in 50 years, what more do you want" argument. I mean as the North East changes, the desires of North East football fans change.

I'd guess in financially hard times like those we're living in now, the North East public might value a hard-working, whole-hearted approach from their team. The flaky millionaires may suddenly be less appealing.

It’s subtle stuff like that. Our best managers read the changing rhythms and change with them. But the rhythms change all the time.

To illustrate how hard it is, consider this - even Sir Bobby was sacked in the end.

That man felt the rhythm of the region as much as any manager ever has. Tony Mowbray is another who very successfully and genuinely taps into his past to understand the mood of the present.

But North East heritage or playing experience doesn’t guarantee success. It didn’t work for Bruce in the end, although he had his moments. Reputation certainly doesn’t guarantee success. For every Sir Bobby there was a Gullit. For every Keegan there was an Allardyce. For every Reid there was a Lawrie Mac. For every Mowbray there was a Strachan. We like our managerial messiahs up here, but they don’t come along often.

We’re doing alright at the moment though. Mowbray and Middlesbrough were made for each other. Alan Pardew feels the rhythm. He’s a very clever and resilient man – watch him conduct the home crowd when he knows the team and the stadium needs a lift. Martin O’Neill caught the rhythm of Sunderland on Sunday. There are no guarantees, because North East football fans are a complicated lot, but on first impressions, he looks like a man who’s ready to dance to our particular tune.

Really. I mean, REALLY.

Hartlepool United sacked Mick Wadsworth.

The same Mick Wadsworth who picked up the pieces when the whole club looked to be dying on it’s backside 15 months ago. The same Mick Wadsworth who led them to absolute safety in League One last season when everyone tipped them for relegation. The same Mick Wadsworth who got the club 5 points off the play-off places heading into Christmas. The same Mick Wadsworth who probably didn’t want the headline job in the first place, but took it on because it seemed the right thing to do.

There’s gratitude for you.

But gratitude doesn’t exist in football. Just ask Chris Hughton.

Wadsworth’s downfall came about because his problems were all on his own doorstep. The club’s wonderfully original and successful summer season ticket campaign got an unprecedented number of bums on seats and feet on terraces. Victoria Park was going to rock. Victoria Park was going to be a fortress and that was going to be the catalyst for something wonderful. But stage fright set in. 7 homes defeats in a row led to restless natives. That, in turn, led to a restless boardroom.

It’s a rotten run, there’s no disputing that, but what about some context ?

Exhibit A is the away form. They may be bafflingly hopeless at home, but they’re pure steel away and they’ve only lost once in the league on their travels. That isn’t the calling card of a struggling squad.

Exhibit B is common sense. They’re Hartlepool. They’re not Sheffield Wednesday, or Preston North End, or another of the historical giants who’ve fallen on hard times. They’re Hartlepool. Every season at this level is a tiny miracle. Further progress would mean radically restructuring the club. Further progress would render their stadium unfit for purpose. Further progress would frighten the life out of them. But suddenly 5 points off the play-off’s isn’t good enough anymore. It’s not logical and it doesn’t seem fair.

But ask Chris Hughton about life being unfair. While you’re at it, ask him about the perils of losing at home. Hughton and Wadsworth both inherited jobs in similar circumstances. Both went on to do their jobs very well. But a sequence of one point from home games against Blackpool, Stoke, Wigan and Blackburn played a big part in Hughton's downfall at Newcastle.

Steve Bruce is another who discovered you can only get away with serving up rubbish in front of your home crowd for so long.

So the very obvious lesson is - if you have to mess up, don’t do it on your own doorstep. Otherwise you’re in trouble. Hartlepool United have sacked Mick Wadsworth and it doesn’t seem fair. But we’ve been here before and we’ll be here again. Sometimes it works out, as Newcastle United fans can testify. Sometimes it doesn't.

Bye Brucie.

They’ll miss the man. They won’t miss the manager. Steve Bruce is a fine fellow. Good company. A good old-fashioned football man. But recently, his football hasn’t been good and that’s what matters in the end. History may eventually be kind to him, because he didn’t do a bad job as Sunderland Manager. But it was time to go.

It’s the break-up you remember at the end of any relationship and this break-up got nasty. But after a while you'll remember the good times and there were good times. There were stirring performances against Premier League heavyweights, drama in the transfer market and a top ten finish.

One day you’ll think back to the start of the relationship and ask yourself why it began in the first place. Then you'll realise love has seldom crossed such boundaries. To put a Geordie in charge of Sunderland is to play with fire. That sort of thing worked for Bob Stokoe. It doesn't work for everyone. Certainly if the Geordie in charge of Sunderland keeps getting beaten by Newcastle United. And especially if the Geordie in charge of Sunderland ends up having to watch Newcastle United disappearing over the horizon.

But as the man said, he couldn't change where he was born, and the tribal dance really wasn't the problem in the end. Never mind the lyrics to the song after Wigan’s winning goal. It wouldn’t have been sung in the first place if it wasn’t for the football. “Geordie” was just another adjective adding another layer of insult. But the sheer force of the reaction was the point of no return. The relationship between fans and manager broke down completely that day and there was no realistic hope of recovery. Those were the worst of times and they are raw, recent memories.

So context is difficult. But whether by accident or design, Steve Bruce did a very important job for Sunderland. He steadied the ship. Bruce represents phase two of the Niall Quinn revival project. Phase One was about shocking the club back to life. Roy Keane did that, but his dark passenger travelled with him and the Irishman’s volatile personality blew up in Sunderland’s face. Sbragia was a footnote to Keane, and after that they needed someone reliable. Bruce was an excellent choice in that respect. He delivered finishing positions of 13th and 10th in the premier league and, despite the odd scary month, his Sunderland side never really got sucked into relegation battles.

Of course that wasn’t really the idea. The idea was that Steve Bruce was a manager ready to move to the next level, Sunderland were a club ready to move to the next level and the two would compliment each other perfectly. But it turns out Steve Bruce wasn’t ready to move to the next level. It now looks like mid-table in the premier league is his level, as his previous record suggested.

But while it hasn’t worked out in the end for Steve Bruce, Niall Quinn, or Ellis Short, it hasn’t been a disaster for Sunderland. They’ve had the shock, they’ve had the steady, maybe it’s logical that someone else is required to make the next step.

So where did it all go wrong ? Sometimes the obvious answer is the correct answer and the biggest single factor in Sunderland’s decline and Steve Bruce’s downfall was the sale of Darren Bent. Of course it was. Bruce had a 20-goal a season man, he lost him and he never replaced him. Bent's a wonderful player for any manager, because he guarantees goals and papers over cracks. Remove a player like that from a team and the cracks start to appear. In this case the cracks widened alarmingly.

The circumstances of the sale ultimately don’t matter. Whether it was the size of the bid, the greed or the unhappiness of the player, or simply the transient nature of modern football, the result was the same. Sunderland lost their prized asset and they lost the ability to paper over the cracks.

Asamoah Gyan didn't solve the problem. In hindsight, The African Superstar, with his bling and his music and the twinkle in his eye, was a bad fit for Sunderland. A very expensive bad fit. He was signed originally to play alongside Bent. Then he became the obvious man to inherit the goalscoring burden. But Gyan didn't really succeed in either role and appeared less and less interested in any of it as the weeks and months progressed.

And there's the rub, neither Bent's departure nor Gyan's ridiculous loan move to the Emirates Dog and Duck were directly Steve Bruce's fault, but he had to handle the consequences. He failed to do that and he really should have known Sir Alex wouldn't let Danny Welbeck out to play again.

He did try to deal with the goalscoring problem of course. In fact he tried to deal with every problem at Sunderland in roughly the same way. He went out and bought a new team.

This is the massive contradiction of the Bruce era. Mr Reliable, Mr Steady, chose to run his team in an almost constant state of instability. The grass was always greener on the other side of the transfer window. Coaching and long term planning never seemed to come into it.

That's where it all fell down really. At some point this week, Ellis Short will have asked himself if he could see a long term strategy and if he believed in it. He either couldn't see it or he no longer believed in it.

A good old-fashioned football man like Bruce will understand this, because results are all that matters in the end. They haven't been good enough this season. They haven't been good enough this year. So never mind the latest expensive summer rebuild, it was Steve Bruce's team, Steve Bruce's tactics, Steve Bruce's responsibility and time waits for no man. It stopped working a long time ago and there was no true sign of recovery. When all you can do is ask for more time, it usually means your time is up.

But Steve Bruce IS a good man. He tried his best and, as he kept telling us in recent months, he did make Sunderland the tenth best club in England last season. So once the nasty break-up is forgotten, try and remember him fondly. Choose your favourite Brucie catchphrase if you like. Whether it's "That's for sure", or "quite remarkable". Of course the irony is, in the end, he just wasn't quite remarkable enough. As I said, they'll miss the man. They won't miss the manager.

Time away

14 days without twitter. Without newspapers. Without sky sports news. Without contacts. Without any sort of information at all concerning North East Football.

It was frustrating for about 48 hours. But then I started to see the value of some time away. Nothing but sunshine, all inclusive booze and a welcome chance to switch off the football engine and enjoy some time with my family.

And apart from the dicky tummy, I've loved it. It's cleared my head and recharged my batteries, which I now realise were in urgent need of recharging.

And the best thing is I'm back just in time for the start of the premier league season. Just in time to line up for the annual prediction parade.

While I've been enjoying my time away, I've been lying on sun beds and wondering how Sunderland and Newcastle United have spent their time away, and whether it's been time well spent.

The Magpies have certainly been busy. Busy selling one of their most influential players almost entirely for the sake of making a point. Busy chasing their other most influential player out of the door by all means available. Busy going on a glamourous but faintly disastrous tour of the USA. Busy pointing out that the return of two injured players was like having two extra new signings (a point that's been sledgehammered home at every opportunity) and busy dangerously over-hyping one of those players before he's really proved anything.

So, busy in some ways. But not especially busy in others. Not especially busy spending the now-mythical Andy Carroll money. So far 5 new players have arrived, although not at great expense, and only 4 are likely to figure in the first team. And, well, those 4 better be good otherwise Newcastle United's time away starts to look like an exercise in weakening rather than strengthening. Certainly team spirit can't have been strengthened by the twitterings of Joey Barton and (briefly) Jose Enrique.

But here's the thing, during my time away I read the book "Moneyball" and I can't help wondering if Mike Ashley read it on his holidays. Very briefly, the book is about how the Oakland A's, one of the poorest teams in baseball, managed to compete with the likes of the New York Yankees, who are the Manchester United of baseball. They did it by changing the way they scouted players and using detailed statistics to see qualities that others had missed. This gave them a group of rough diamonds, who didn't need massive wages, that the big clubs had never bothered with. Oakland had their team, the rough diamonds had the chance no one else was prepared to give them and if they went on to become stars, the A's turned a profit by letting them leave and replacing them with younger, rougher diamonds. There were no star names on big money because they couldn't afford them and they didn't fit the game plan anyway. Give or take the odd cultural sporting difference, that's Ashley's Newcastle United. I suppose it might work, but when it comes to predictions, you're whistling in the wind.

They might finish 7th if the Moneyball thing works. They might finish 20th if it doesn't. So there you are, I'm saying Newcastle will finish somewhere between 7th and 20th.

Sunderland have been busy during their time away. Absurdly busy for about a fortnight when they seemed to buy a player every half hour. This was no surprise. For one thing, Steve Bruce is actually more 'Arry than 'Arry when it comes to the transfer market. Also, he had no choice. The springtime collapse revealed some glaring weaknesses in his squad, injuries and mercenaries not withstanding. So during his time away Steve Bruce has set about addressing those weaknesses. The sad, but inevitable, departure of Jordan Henderson gave him room for manoeuvre and he's tried to play the market and manage the wage bill cleverly. It looks like good business, but the proof is in the pudding. They've been pretty average during pre-season (although that doesn't count for much) and they'll need to hit the ground running when the real stuff starts because their opening month is full of potential pitfalls.

But it's a little easier to predict Sunderland under Steve Bruce. Steady progress is his brief. That's what he's delivered so far and I see no reason to expect anything different this time. 7th is the glass ceiling in my opinion, but that would represent a big step and I think 8th or 9th is more realistic this year.

Hand on heart I can't see too much joy in the cups. Both Newcastle and Sunderland could afford to be a bit more serious about the knockouts and I can see improvements for both. But competition will be fierce, because Chelsea, Manchester City and especially Arsenal can't afford to leave empty-handed this season.

So our time away is over. We're back to reality and there's an early Derby to concentrate our hearts and minds. Whether you spent your time away relaxing, or rebuilding, or arguing amongst yourselves, I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it proves worthwhile.

Maybe. Or maybe next year.

The glory of August for the football fan is the limitless possibility. The storylines are unwritten and everyone's glass is, or at least should be, half full. To me, the glass is definitely half full at Middlesbrough, slightly more than half full at Carlisle and edging towards three quarters full at Hartlepool. I'm just not sure anyone's glass is full enough to satisfy their thirst for a happy ending.

It's ironic that Juninho was back in town recently, to serve as a reminder of the good old days at Middlesbrough. The years when money was no object and a small town in Europe lifted a trophy and reached for the stars. It's ironic because a lot's changed since then. They're entering their 3rd year of exile from the top flight and the parachute won't open so far his time. Corners will be cut and new arrivals will be begged, borrowed or stolen rather than lavished with huge wages and signing on fees. But while the recent past no longer provides a useful reference point, a trip 25 years down memory lane is more instructive. It's the spirit of 86 that's needed now. That famous and much-loved team that took a football club from the brink of liquidation to promotion in the blink of an eye. That's the blueprint for the new austerity years at the Riverside. Of course Tony Mowbray provides the bridge between the two eras, and of course it would be just perfect for Mogga to fly Boro to the moon. Certainly they closed last season in dazzling form, and so far the squad is still in pretty good shape. But until the window closes they're vulnerable, and then there's the opposition, a subject I'll return to later.

My concern for Carlisle is basically to do with glass ceilings and where, precisely, theirs is located. Last season they finished mid-table in league one and won the JPT at Wembley. That represented a good years work. It also presents a big challenge for Greg Abbott and his staff, because now they're expected to do better. But how much better can they do ? The club is well run and on a sound financial footing after back to back Wembley trips, but that doesn't mean they can go toe to toe with the Sheffield clubs or Huddersfield in the transfer market. They can compete, but they need absolutely everything to fall in their favour in terms of signings, injuries, momentum and good luck. That's a lot to ask, and the highs of last season leave them with an awfully big act to follow.

I reckon Hartlepool smashed through their glass ceiling years ago. Every season they survive at this level is a minor miracle. But it also begs the question of whether they dare to dream of going higher. Well, whisper it quietly, but this might be their window of opportunity. #areyoucomingtopools was one of the hashtag highs of the summer. Hartlepool's innovative season ticket scheme proved to be a massive success and as a result they find themselves in a unique situation. Little old Pools will have a formidable home crowd behind them next season, which could generate the momentum for something unlikely and something wonderful. And why not, with Nobby Solano sat in the middle conducting the orchestra ?

But then we come back to the question of the opposition. This is where my glass suddenly dips from half full to half empty. In league one, can Carlisle and Hartlepool really live with the Sheffields ? Can they keep up with Clarkie's Huddersfield ? Preston ? And those are just the obvious ones. It's even worse for Boro up in the championship. Sven's Leicester are the big spenders. Big Sam and Big Kev Nolan will get the Hammers moving. Steve McClaren might just remind the Teesside public what a good manager he is over at Forest. Olly's Blackpool look keen to prove that whole Premier League thing wasn't a fluke. Chris Hughton might repeat his Magpie Miracle at Birmingham and the usual suspects like Burnley, Reading and Cardiff won't be far away. I've got a sneaking fancy for Brighton in their new stadium as well.

It's a jungle out there in the football league this season and I'm not 100% convinced our boys can live with the big beasts.

But I haven't given up hope. There's always a few tales of the unexpected and remember, it's still August. The storylines haven't been written yet and the lush, green, summer pitches are still rich with possibility.

Happy Endings

Everyone loves a happy ending. They were there, last season, if you looked carefully enough. Some were obvious, like Darlington and their FA Trophy, or Carlisle and their Johnstone's Paint Pot. Some were more subtle, like Tony Mowbray's gradual reawakening of Middlesbrough and Hartlepool's refusal to get drawn into a relegation battle. But everyone had something to look back on with satisfaction. Sunderland's happy ending came in the form of a top ten finish. Of course they went all round the houses to get there, but Steve Bruce will tell you ultimately that doesn't matter. They found unlikely heroes (Phil Bardsley) and there were pantomime villains (dastardly Darren Bent) and they finally found what they were looking for in the dying moments of the season. The great irony of course was that the Black Cats got the top ten finish that looked for all the world as if it was destined for Newcastle. But the Magpies needn't dwell on the denouement. Their happy ending was much more straightforward and was achieved with time to spare. They reestablished themselves as a premier league club. They were never dragged into the dogfight and, well, they'll always have Halloween. The sale of Andy Carroll was, sadly, inevitable, while the departure of Chris Hughton and the arrival of Alan Pardew remains a mysterious footnote. Everyone must make up their own mind as to whether they've got the right man, or whether they got rid of the right man. Boro HAVE got the right man. That's their happy ending. They kissed a frog, but they found their prince. Strachan was the sickness. Mowbray is their home-grown cure. A managerial change also defined Hartlepool's campaign. Chris Turner, who'd done so much at Victoria Park, finally got tired of the struggle. Mick Wadsworth became a sort of permanent caretaker and while mid-table mediocrity might not seem like the happiest of endings, it was actually a splendid achievement. Carlisle had another season of steady improvement under Greg Abbott and Peter Murphy's Wembley winner was Boy's Own stuff. Mark Cooper managed to sort out the unholy mess he inherited at Darlington and ended up with a Trophy for good measure. Gateshead were much-improved in their first modern season as a full time football club and Gary Mills arrived in time to steady the ship at York. So there you are. Everyone ended up smiling. Everyone loves a happy ending. True, we went through a lot of shit to get there, but what's life without little drama ?

North East Premier League team of the season 2010/2011

This is clearly a fool's errand and whatever I say is bound to annoy hundreds of thousands of people one way or another. But what the hell. Here goes....

The formation is 4-4-1-1 and, on principle, Andy Carroll and Darren Bent were not considered. There’s no bias in selection. It’s based on what I’ve seen and how I’ve seen it over the last 9 months.

STEVE HARPER (GK) – Tough choice. There were 4 options and no one entirely nailed it down. All had spells out of favour or out through injury. If I had to pick a man to make a wonder save to win a match, I’d pick Craig Gordon. But he’s fragile and occasionally timid. So I’m going for Mr Reliable. Steve has presence, Steve has character and Steve very rarely messes up.

PHIL BARDSLEY (RB) – I know I’m cheating, but he deserves to be in the team and he is a right back really. Last summer he was destined for a Championship loan-out or Stoke City reserves. The first knockings of the Black Cats epic injury crisis gave him an opportunity and he grabbed it with both hands. Now he’s got a new contract and a left foot he never knew he had.

JOSE ENRIQUE (LB) – Very, very easy choice. He’s answered all the lingering questions left over from the relegation season. He’s been excellent. It wasn’t a vintage year for Ashley Cole or Patrice Evra and Gael Clichy’s overrated, so for me the best left back in the premier league last season was either Leighton Baines or Jose Enrique. Now watch him leave.

FABRIZIO COLOCCINI (CB) – Another one with his fair share of lingering questions to answer after that relegation season and he’s passed his test with flying colours. During his debut premier league campaign he was bullied all over the place. But not this time. The Argentinian has risen to the challenge, become a cult hero on the Gallowgate and I wish I had his hair.

TITUS BRAMBLE (CB) – He was a former Magpie laughing stock and Sunderland fans weren’t exactly bowled over when they bought him. It only took Titus about 5 or 6 games to change their mind. On his day he’s one of the best battering-ram centre backs around. Not quite as formidable after his mid-season injury, but he wasn’t the only one.

JONAS GUTTIEREZ (RM) – A somewhat reluctant selection. I’ve never been his biggest fan and it’s only now, 3 years into his Newcastle career, that I’m beginning to see the point in him. My big problem is his lack of end product. He doesn’t score enough and he doesn’t create enough for a player with his talent. But he works hard and he’s not a show pony, so he’s in.

CHIECK TIOTE (CM) – An unheralded signing who was so good that he was given a new 6-year contract half way through the season. He’s a highly-accomplished midfield destroyer who links play cleverly and moves the ball well. A crowd favourite long before his Lazarus goal against Arsenal. Yes, he get's booked far too much, but he'll grow out of that.

HENDERSON (CM) – I thought long and hard about this one. In fact I changed the formation to fit him in. Partly because I just think he deserves to be part of this team. Partly because he’s the most promising homegrown player in the region post-Carroll. Mostly because he was asked to take on an awful lot this season and he did it all pretty well.

JOEY BARTON (RM) – His form is so good in the present that people have almost stopped talking about his past. Almost, but not quite. He’ll always carry his baggage with him, but he’s found the perfect place to express himself. So he shouldn’t leave. It’s in the best interests of NUFC, Joey Barton and his agent to sort out their differences. A massive, fundamental loss if he leaves.

KEVIN NOLAN (AM) – Captain. Heartbeat. Leader. Top Scorer. Straight talker. Some doubted he’d cope with the athletic side of the premier league, but that was rather missing the point. He’s such a clever player and such a good reader of opponents, that he knows where he needs to be and when he needs to be there. Halloween heroics saw him enter the Hall of Fame.

ASAMOAH GYAN (ST) – He’s done pretty well since his record-busting move and there’s definitely a sprinkling of stardust there. He’s not particularly consistent and he was as bad as everyone else during the great Black Cat collapse of 2011. But he’s a proper player, he’s on twitter and he uses phrases such as “sexy like cheese”.

Springtime stream of consciousness

What is it about the spring ? Where are the green shoots of recovery in North East football ? Why are we crap when the daffodils are out ? I had a rubbish start to spring, but I've cheered up since then. It was partly because some of it was in February and I don’t believe anyone’s really happy in February. It's a sneaky month. Everyone guards against a post-Christmas lull in January, but no one sees it coming when it hits in February. But what’s Sunderland’s excuse ? I know, Darren bloody Bent. Well, yes with hindsight @DB11TT (or @DB39TT or whatever he is now) has apparently knackered Sunderland’s season with his decision to take the money on offer down the road. But really, can we just lump all the blame onto the gun for hire ? He had, after all, been decidedly moderate during the first half of the season and it was screamingly obvious that his nose was well out of joint once Gyan wafted in with a sprinkling of super-stardust. And are Black Cats fans really going to claim that paying 5 million quid for a thirty-something striker from Stoke City with dodgy knees was going to be good use of the transfer pot ? No. No. No. It’s just the latest dose of Seasonal Affective Disorder on Wearside, because they’ve got a lot of previous when it comes to crap springs. They were rubbish around this time last year as well. Peter Reid’s best team around the turn of the century twice fell away after Christmas when Europe was in their grasp. That’s one of the main conundrums for Steve Bruce to unpick next season – how to keep going till the finishing line. And by the way, I’m prone to knee jerk reactions as much as the next man, but “Bruce out” on the phone-ins ? Really ? I mean REALLY ? Please, please get a grip. He’s the right man in the right place, at the right time and it’s up to him to kick on and make best use of the Stadium of Light opportunities. And opportunity knocks. I was lucky enough to have a couple of inside peeks at Sunderland over the last month or two – I did one of Niall Quinn’s talk-ins and then I happened to find myself in the boardroom after the Liverpool match – and these are serious, passionate, intelligent people with a game plan. So stick with it. Yes, this season’s a bit goosed now, but next season might be very good indeed. Newcastle haven’t been AS bad during the spring but they haven’t been wearing their daffodils with pride either. Like Sunderland, there are mitigating cirumstances (Andy, wherefore art thou Andy ?), but unlike Sunderland, the Magpies have done a decent job of rolling with the punches. It’s been patchy and volatile, but the Wolves win gets them just about over the top and anyone who complains too loudly at Newcastle this season needs to take a long hard look at the last 24 months, and the finances, then just pipe down and realise that the whole point of this season in the premier league was to make sure that next season is in the premier league as well. And there have been lovely little bonuses along the way. Leon Best – who saw that coming ? Joey Barton and Kevin Nolan – the Black and White midfield mafia of the premier league. Chieck Tiote – pound-for-pound up there with Javier Hernandez as the best signing of the season. So don’t complain. Complaining is just a waste of your life. Middlesbrough have quite enjoyed springtime. It was certainly better than the long, hard, grim winter and it was a country mile better than the dismal, depressing resource-sapping summer and autumn that came beforehand. I really, really like Tony Mowbray. He’s honest, he’s got a Boro-red heart and he understands that the manager’s job no longer comes with a silver spoon and an open chequebook. Yes, the club is on shifting, sinking sands financially, because the parachute won’t open so far next season, but they’ve got the right man at the helm. They’re staying up and that’s no small achievement considering the total wreckage Mowbray found when he arrived. Don’t dwell on the manager’s tone too much either. He’s got a quiet, almost downbeat tone about him during his press conferences. But that’s just the way he is. He’s very considered and if you listen to what he’s saying, it always makes sense. Springtime’s been OK for Hartlepool, but the main point there is that “OK” was all it needed to be, because they’d done more than enough beforehand to stay in League One, which was above and beyond what most people were expecting. Carlisle, god bless them, have only gone and won at Wembley in the springtime, when the sun was shining and the ghosts were laid to rest. Peter Murphy’s Daddy Cool story was brilliant and I was so pleased for all of them. The fans, the players, the management, the directors and Andy the kitman-cum-mediaman. They got a good kicking from Southampton 12 months ago and they learned from that and this was catharsis on a grand scale for everyone involved. And spring’s been brilliant for the non-league boys, with Darlo getting to Wembley and Gateshead running them close and Whitley Bay booking their inevitable return ticket for a day out beneath the arch. So I suppose spring’s not been all bad, but I did have a week at work where I felt more conflicted and more unsettled than I ever have during my 139 years in the job. It was nothing to do with my employers or my employment, it was to do with mechanics and ethics and journalistic method, and I will never, ever say anything more about that. Hopefully it’s over and hopefully the sun will keep shining and I’ll cover two more Wembley wins and Newcastle and even SAD-suffering Sunderland will finish with a flourish.

Decoding January

Any football reporter who tells you he didn't enjoy the January transfer window is lying. It was undoubtedly a pain in the arse, but also a glorious, unstoppable tale of the ever-so-slightly unexpected. It's too early to say who the winners and losers are. But it's fun trying.

Newcastle are two games into life after Andy. They looked listless and shot-shy at Fulham. They were listless and shot-shy x10 in the first half against Arsenal, but then there was the Lazarus moment and suddenly things didn't seem quite so bad. The reassuring thing is that the spirit is still there, even though their best player isn't. For that reason alone, forget the relegation scare stories. Newcastle will be absolutely fine. They'll also have 35 million pounds to spend on new players in the summer, won't they Mr Ashley.......

As for Andy Carroll himself, I'm not so sure. In terms of geography and lifestyle, Liverpool is better for him than London. In terms of the football they play and the football they're going to play under Kenny Dalglish, I'm not so sure it'll suit him. I hope he fulfils his massive potential, I just don't think he should have left home to do it. It was a transfer driven by a ticking clock and a big wad of cash. On January 30th Andy Carroll wasn't worth 35 million. On February the 1st no one in world football would have paid 35 million for him. But on January 31st, with the deadline approaching and the Torres money burning a hole in Liverpool's pocket, Andy Carroll WAS worth 35 million. Had there been more time, I reckon someone would have talked Andy Carroll out of it. As far as Newcastle were concerned, it was good business, there's no denying that. But it was sad business.

Then there's the curious journey of Alan Pardew. He spent the whole of January insisting Andy Carroll wasn't for sale. Then he had to spend an uncomfortable press conference admitting that Andy Carroll was for sale after all. He's becoming Gallowgate's trouble-shooting diplomat. It wasn't his fault they sold Carroll, just as it wasn't his fault they sacked Hughton. But on both occasions, he had to face the music and he had to deal with the consequences. He dealt with it quite well all things considered and depending how much difference you think half time team talks actually make, he's emerged Post-Carroll and Post-Arsenal with a degree of credit. He's the Kofi Annan of St James Park.

Sunderland are three games into life after Darren and results haven't been great. But they have done the one thing they absolutely had to do. They've scored goals. Bent was the principle goalscorer last season and was still top gun this season even though the load had been shared around a bit. They had to prove they could find the net without him and they have. Yes, they're thin up front and yes, the rise of Liverpool makes 6th place look a lot less likely, but it doesn't look like the season's going to fall apart at the seams.

As for Darren Bent, he'll be fine. He got what he considered to be a better offer and he took it. Even if it doesn't work out for him at Villa, there'll be other offers and other badges to kiss.

Then there's Steve Bruce and his retail therapy. He knew fine well he was never going to get Darren Bent's long term replacement in January and he resisted the tempation to overpay for a striker he might only want for 6 months. Instead, he upgraded his squad by shipping out the unwanted and bringing in two he'd been after for a while. Sessegnon and Muntari both look like shrewd acquisitions. Bruce has been guilty of impulse buys in the past, but this time he's played his hand sensibly.

North East football fans are nearly two weeks into their new reality. They've been forced to face up to something they've long suspected, but seldom admitted. It matters to us more than it matters to them. Supporters are brought up wearing a cloak of loyalty. Players wear different clothes. Football's their job, not necessarily their passion. The club is their employer, not their family. They listen to their agents, not their fans. I thought Andy Carroll was different, but one way or another, he wasn't. As the mighty NUFC.COM put it on January the 31st "Football romance is dead, everyone is a liar, contracts should be printed on toilet paper."

Money can’t buy you love. But it can buy your centre forward. Here endeth the lesson of the January 2011 transfer window.

Darren Bent - Dancing in the Dark

“I get up in the evening, and I ain't got nothing to say. I come home in the morning, I go to bed feeling the same way. I ain't nothing but tired, man I'm just tired and bored with myself. Hey there baby, I could use just a little help.”

(Bruce Springsteen – Dancing in the Dark)

Has this become the ballad of the modern footballer ? Tired and bored with themselves and always in need of a little help, a little love or a better offer ?

“You can't start a fire. You can't start a fire without a spark. This gun's for hire even if we're just dancing in the dark.”

It could have been written for Darren Bent. This fire didn’t start without a spark. This blaze which threatens to burn down the Black Cats season wasn’t just a case of spontaneous combustion. Darren Bent never harboured secret childhood dreams of playing in front of the Holt End. Darren Bent wasn’t even particularly unhappy at Sunderland. Darren Bent is a gun for hire and it really doesn’t matter if he’s swapping 6th place for 17th, because if the deal’s right, he’s happy to go to Aston Villa and dance in the dark.

“Message keeps getting clearer, radio's on and I'm moving round the place. I check myself out in the mirror I wanna change my clothes my hair my face. Man I ain't getting nowhere just sitting in a dump like this. There's something happening somewhere baby I just know that there is.”

This is where it gets sad. For Sunderland fans at least, because this is how the premier league works in 2010. Look in the mirror, listen to the agents, then change your club, change your shirt and get paid. We now know there was a moment last summer when Darren Bent might have left Sunderland. He was talked down then but a seed was planted. “There’s something happening somewhere, baby I just know that there is.” He’s never looked on top of his game this season and he’s looked completely off the pace and a bit sulky for the last couple of months. It begins to look like he decided to change his clothes a while back. You can picture him sat at home thinking “Man I ain’t getting nowhere”, although to be fair I don’t believe he told himself he was “just sitting in a dump like this.” He made an effort to assimilate himself into North East culture during his time here. That earned him respect. I imagine he'll now go and do exactly same in the West Midlands. Black Cats fans will feel rejected, but this gun’s for hire, geography doesn’t matter and Villa fans will already be getting "BENT 39" printed on their shirts.

“You sit around getting older there's a joke here somewhere and it's on me.
I'll shake this world off my shoulders come baby this laughs on me.”

The joke might be on you Darren. Sunderland are 6th in the premier league and, shoddy Derby performances aside, appear to be upwardly mobile. Aston Villa finished 6th last season, but they're suffering a major downturn now. Martin O'Neill and dreams of the Champions League have gone. They've been replaced by Gerard Houllier, a relegation battle and suggestions of unrest in the dressing room. They have a talented squad, but how many of Villa’s young guns will be looking in the mirror right now and considering changing their clothes ? What goes around comes around Darren, and if you play the game this way, don’t be surprised if the game ends up playing you.

“Stay on the streets of this town and they'll be carving you up alright. They say you got to stay hungry hey baby I'm just about starving tonight. I'm dying for some action I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book. I need a love reaction come on now baby give me just one look.”

Darren Bent is hungry. He’s a good professional and he’ll do the best he can for whatever team he plays for. But he always needs that love reaction and all Aston Villa needed to do was give him just one look. Sunderland fans hoped he felt their passion for the club. They wanted to believe he was ready for a long term relationship. But he wasn’t and he probably never will be. As he said at his press conference at Villa Park, “I had some good times at Sunderland, but that’s all behind me now.” Look in the mirror, listen to the agent, change your clothes, count your pay rise and don’t look back. He’s created a huge problem for Steve Bruce and Sunderland, who must race against time to replenish their resources before the final premier league push. But it’s not Darren Bent’s problem. Sunderland fans also face a dilemma. How are they supposed to react to this ? Maybe more could have been done to try and persuade him to stay, but supporters can’t accuse the club of lacking ambition. It’s Darren Bent’s ambitions that are the issue here. It’s just sad for fans to realise that he wasn’t who they thought he was. They hoped he was another Niall Quinn or Kevin Phillips, but he's a different beast entirely. It was fun while it lasted and he leaves some great memories behind, but this is modern football and Darren Bent is a modern footballer. Remember……

“This gun's for hire even if we're just dancing in the dark.”

Memories 2010

North East football is another year older, but I'm none the wiser. Just when I think I've worked it out, Ashley goes and sacks Hughton. Or Sunderland go months without a win. Or Gordon Strachan turns out to be a great, big dud. But I've really enjoyed the last 12 months. Some bits more than others mind.....

HEROES OF 2010

5. STEVE BRUCE. Started the year on the crest of a slump. Then recovered. Told a big fat lie about not doing much business over the summer. Broke the transfer record again. Then carried the can for Sunderland's worst derby day in 50 years. But Sunderland's recovery from their Halloween hell has been impressive. Steve Bruce is making progress.

4. KEVIN NOLAN. The leader of the pack. Influential, responsible, clever and effective. Brilliant in the Championship and then reassuringly effective in the Premier League. His place in the hearts and the history books is assured after his hat trick in the Derby.

3. DARREN BENT. The first 10 months of his calender year were terrific. His debut season at Sunderland was virtually perfect, on and off the pitch. He should have gone to the World Cup, although was probably best off out of it. Then @DB11TT went back on twitter and picked up where he left off at the start of the new campaign. Things have gone a bit wonky since then though. An injury and a barren spell meant the year didn't finish on a great note. But how does the old saying go ? "Form is temporary, class is permanent."

2. ANDY CARROLL. In January he was just another championship striker with everything to prove. By the end of the year he was an England International, the hottest property in the premier league and a recurring theme in the nightmares of defenders accross the land. As long as he sorts himself out off the pitch, the sky is the limit.

1. CHRIS HUGHTON. Just for a moment, think what might have happened without him. Take a few seconds to think of what he achieved with very little money and very little actual managerial experience. Remember how his players fought for him to get a new contract and how they mourned his departure. Smile as you recall his often bland press conferences, which were short on soundbites but long on dignity. Then shake your head once more at the madness and unfairness of it all. Chris Hughton's not perfect, but he did a great job at Newcastle in sometimes awful circumstance. He left with his head held high and he'll always have Halloween.

VILLAINS OF 2010

5. KRIS BOYD. It turns out the Scottish Football reporters were right. They were never convinced that the SPL's record goalscorer had an all-round game that stood up to scrutiny. Boyd stands accused now of being football's ultimate flat track bully. Put him in the best team in Scotland and he'll score goal after goal against whatever rubbish rocks up at Ibrox. Put him in the 19th best team in the championship and you get very little.

4. LEE CATTERMOLE. Well, he's just a villain isn't he. A pantomime villain. He's not had a bad year, just a notorious year. Three red cards in 2010 and there could have been many more. The yellow is almost a given in every game and you can usually see it coming before he does. He's got the makings of a great captain, but only if the penny drops, because it's no use being the heartbeat of your team if you're never available to play for them. Encouraging signs on that score towards the end of the year.

3. DARLINGTON FC. Do you remember Ryan Kidd ? I don't blame you if you don't. Perhaps you were on holiday for the 11 days in June when Ryan Kidd was manager of Darlington before deciding that, on second thoughts, he just didn't fancy it. But Ryan Kidd sums up the Quakers 2010. A year that was stupendously, ridiculously awful. The sins of the past meant relegation was inevitable. Banishment from the Football League was the ultimate punishment, but the Quakers very own managerial merry-go-round provided a grotesque sideshow. Staunton failed, Davey two-timed and Kidd just ran away. The fans didn't deserve it and nor did the chairman and after a rocky start, hopefully Mark Cooper can lead them to a brighter 2011. It can't be any worse.

2. MIKE ASHLEY. It's his football club and Mike Ashley will do exactly what he wants to do with it and he doesn't care, not even a little, what you or I think. Not only that, he's never, ever going to explain to you or I why he drops these bombshells, because it's his football club and he doesn't care what you think about his reasons anyway.

1. GORDON STRACHAN. Occasionally very funny. From time to time quite profound. But mostly unpleasant, sarcastic and a bit of a know-it-all. Except it turns out he didn't know it all. He was given the platform and the resources to pull Middlesbrough out of the hole the club had fallen into. But he just kept on digging. He didn't take the money, so he left with his reputation as a man intact. But as for his reputation as a manager, that's in tatters.

MATCHES OF 2010

5. WHITLEY BAY 6 WROXHAM 1. Haway the Bay x2. This time with more goals and a genuinely emotional finale as Mark Taylor, one of the boys of 2009, was ushered up to collect the FA Vase as he battled Motor Neurone Disease.

4. NEWCASTLE UNITED 2 NOTTINGHAM FOREST 0. The best team in the championship beat the third best team in the championship in a fine match at the end of March and Tyneside breathed a sigh of relief as they realised the job was done and the nightmare was almost over.

3. CHELSEA 0 SUNDERLAND 3. Blimey. Who saw that coming ?

2. SUNDERLAND 3 SPURS 1. Bonkers game at the SoL as Benty scored twice against his old club and also managed to miss two from the spot before Zenden wrapped it up with a screamer and we all left wondering what Harry Redknapp's wife is like at taking penalties.

1. NEWCASTLE UNITED 5 SUNDERLAND 1. Whether it brought you joy or pain, it was the one game that will be talked about for years to come. Two extremes of performance collided on the same day to produce the most one-sided ass-kicking in a generation. Sunderland fans suffered, but at least their team quickly recovered. Newcastle fans went out and bought the DVD.

A Room with an Alan

It could have been Alan Partridge walking into that press conference and no one would have been that surprised. Once the chaos button is pressed at St James Park, anything can happen. But it wasn’t Alan Partridge, it was Alan Pardew, sitting by himself and taking responsibility for a mess that he hadn’t created. He wasn’t like Partridge at all. One week, one win and two press conferences later, it’s time to give credit where credit’s due. Alan Pardew has managed to create a good first impression out of what appeared to be a no-win situation. He handled his first press conference with as much dignity and honesty as was possible given that he was wearing dead man’s shoes. He didn’t dodge the Chris Hughton issue and he gave everyone an interview during an exhaustive media schedule. And here’s something you probably didn’t know. He CHOSE to sit by himself at the top table. He wanted to take the questions because he wanted it to be HIS press conference, not a chance for the media to throw stones at the Newcastle United hierachy. Brave, if nothing else. Throughout it all he never came across as arrogant or self-possessed and he was unswervingly polite. If there was a message he was trying to get across it was simply that this was not his fault. He didn’t sack Chris Hughton and he didn’t force anyone to give him the job. As an out of work football manager, what was he supposed to do when offered a premier league gig ? All Alan Pardew did last week was convince Mike Ashley to give him a five and a year contract and then win his first match in charge. As for the vague smell of “Cockney Croneyism” wafting in the background, well I don’t really buy that. Whatever else Ashley is, he’s definitely a shrewd businessman and the idea that he’d give the job to someone just because he was Derek Llambias drinking buddy just seems beyond ridiculous. So it’s time to move forward and what we're left with is a new manager who’s launched a successful charm offensive during his first seven days. But this is all about the charm so far and not about the offensive. Alan Pardew’s been nice. He’s shaken everyone’s hand and, it’s worth repeating, he’s won his first match in charge. Of course just because he comes across as a decent bloke doesn’t mean he’s going to be a great manager of Newcastle United. But the point is that there’s no reason to assume he’s going to fail either. He may not be who you wanted, but he’s here now, you’re all stuck with each other and you might as well make the best of it. Alan Pardew walked into that room last week, not Alan Partridge, and seven days on it’s going fine. Lots of football managers are like Partridge actually. Pompous gasbags who are blissfully unaware of their own problems. But this one isn't. He’ll never be Alan Shearer, but he’s no Alan Partridge either.

The Admirable Hughton

It's often said that life at Newcastle United is the stuff of great drama. A theatre of the unpredictable, and occasionally, the absurd. You couldn’t make it up. You couldn’t write it. Oh, but you could. In 1902, J.M.Barrie wrote a play called “The Admirable Crichton”. If Newcastle United’s former manager - a cultured, intelligent and civilised man - ever chances across a revival of this work, he may allow himself a wry smile. Very briefly, the play is about a loyal and resourceful butler who works for an aristocratic family. Crichton’s purpose was to serve, but due to extraordinary circumstances he became, for a while, the leader. He and the family were shipwrecked on a desert island and Crichton was the only person who knew how to keep them alive. He did a fine job as leader, but eventually they were rescued, the status quo returned, Crichton went back to service and eventually, so as not to cause any social embarrassment, he left the family. Does this ring any bells ?

Chris Hughton became Newcastle Manager by accident. He was the last man standing after the dreadful relegation from the premier league. Alan Shearer never got a phone call, no decisions were taken during the uncomfortable summer of 2009 and when the new season rolled around they needed someone to pick the team. So the club turned to the Admirable Hughton and asked him to keep them alive after they were shipwrecked in the Championship. And he flourished. He was the loyal, resourceful man who knew what was required in these extraordinary circumstances. He united a fractious group of players and encouraged a strong sense of collective responsibility. Newcastle United enjoyed a successful, uplifting season, winning the Championship at a canter. The Admirable Hughton had rescued Newcastle United. They were back in the premier league and the status quo had been restored. No one should be surprised at the events that have unfolded since then.

Rememner, once the status quo was restored, the family no longer needed the loyal and resourceful servant to be their leader. They wanted someone more appropriate to their social status, so as not to cause embarrassment. So the Admirable Hughton was cast aside in favour of a bigger name, a more experienced manager, or a more appropriate drinking buddy.

The football argument is that the Admirable Hughton was JUST a coach, NOT a manager. He was the perfect man to steer a superior squad through the Championship badlands, but now they're dining at the top table again, Newcastle require someone used to mixing with the aristocracy. If you absolutely must stretch the point to it's limits, you can maybe, sort of, see something in that.

But the Admirable Hughton's achievements offer a very persuasive counter-argument. There was promotion, silverware and redemption. This season has touched perfection at St James Park (you know what day I mean) and while there have been bad days, the league position and the points-to-games ratio were absolutely fine. Added to that were the unseen elements, the factors that don't show up on the stats sheet. The unity of the dressing room and the one-for-all-all-for-one spirit. The vague and unusual feeling (illusion) of stability. There must be a danger that at least some of that will drain away.

But it's up to the aristocracy in this particular version of the drama. It's up to Mike Ashley. It's his club and if he thinks the loyal, resourceful Admirable Hughton has served his purpose, then the rest of the family just has to accept it and move on. Those are the rules of the game. They're always the rules of this game. It's sad, but don't dwell too long on the moral argument, the idea that the Admirable Hughton is a good man and deserves so much better than this. That argument is absolutely 100% true. But there's no such thing as a moral argument in this game. Time to move on.

The Admirable Hughton leaves with his head held high and with his reputation significantly enhanced. He will always have a place in the hearts and the history books at St James Park.

Aussie DNA

He was born in Shotley Bridge and raised as a sportsman by Durham County Cricket Club. But Paul Collingwood has Aussie DNA.

I’m not casting doubt on his family tree, I’m paying him the ultimate compliment, because Paul David Collingwood - Colly, Shep, Brigadier Block – plays cricket like an Australian. This man fights, scraps and battles. The harder it gets, the more he likes it. In the heat of battle, there's fire in his eyes. Others shy away from those moments. Collingwood embraces them.

Old pro's delight in saying he's not the world’s most naturally talented cricketer. But my god he works hard at it. His graft has earned him an impressive record at test level to go with his peerless stats in the one day game. He's not the captain of this England test match team, but he is it’s beating heart when the chips are down.

His team has a genuine chance of returning home with the Ashes this winter. But no one's going to convince me we go into the series as favourites.

This England team really does inspire optimism. Many of our leading cricket writers and experts predict Andrew Strauss and his men will win this series and win it well. This Australian team is in steep decline according to the sport’s chattering classes. They are there for the taking.

But I just don’t buy it.

This is the Australian cricket team, at home, in the Ashes. This is tough. They're not what they were, because they've lost their miracle workers, but they will fight, scrap and battle, every day, from the first ball to the last. Their home record is formidable. Their home record in the Ashes is unblemished since 1987. And they’re hurting.

They’re hurting because the rest of the world is gleefully writing their obituary. They’re hurting because they want the Ashes back. They're out to regain, not retain, and they still have some extraordinary players. The old warrior Ponting may have one last golden series left in him. Michael Clarke is a class act. Mitchell Johnson is a genuine spearhead for their bowling attack. Don’t gloss over the supporting cast either. Shane Watson could step up with bat or ball. Michael “Mr Cricket” Hussey is capable of a glorious Ashes swansong. Ben Hilfenhaus will try and do what Glenn McGrath once did and nag away outside the off stump and Doug Bollinger is the sort of fair dinkum Aussie who might just have the series of his life. So don’t write them off.

But don’t fear them either. I think our batting line up will at least match their batting line up and I’ll take our bowling attack over theirs, because we’ve got Swanny and they’ve got a Warne-shaped hole that they can never, ever fill.

Basically, I reckon our team's better than their team. But most of our team haven’t played an Ashes series in Australia before. It’s the hardest series for any English cricketer, because of the history and because of the sheer bloody-minded belligerence that will come at you every single day.

Which brings us back to Paul David Collingwood. He could be the key. He won’t bow down. He won’t give up. He will probably need to step up when the heat is on, maybe more than once, and produce one of his classic innings – the obdurate, patient, brave knock that either saves, or wins, a test match.

England will retain the Ashes, but not necessarily by winning the series. A nail-biting draw is my prediction. It might just go down to the last test, maybe the last session. If that’s the case and if England are batting, I want Paul David Collingwood, of Shotley Bridge, County Durham, out there in the heat of the battle.

5 thoughts on 5-1.

1. OLD VALUES TRUMP NEW SYSTEMS. How do you win a Derby ? You drink in the atmosphere and you thrive on it. You let the occasion propel you to a higher level of performance. You let the wonderful, visceral, tribal noise fill your heart and soul and inspire you. Newcastle United did all of this on Sunday. You absolutely MUST NOT be afraid of it. You absolutely MUST NOT retreat into your shell and hope your team mates will get the job done for you. You absolutely MUST NOT allow the game to pass you by. Sunderland did all of that on Sunday. It meant the much-anticipated battle of the formations was completely irrelevant. Tactical anoraks were wondering if Sunderland's modern 4-5-1 would confuse and frustrate the Magpies more straightforward 4-4-2. But it just didn’t matter in the end and anyway, Newcastle’s formation was slightly looser than it looked, with Barton, Guttierez and, crucially, Nolan all encouraged to roam.
2. YOU CAN’T WIN A DERBY WITH KIDS. Who were the best players on Sunday ? For me, it was Nolan, Barton, Ameobi and one other. I’ll come to that name in a moment. But the other three were totally in control of their emotions. They embraced the occasion, but they didn’t play the occasion. They sized up the opposition and played cleverly, managing the game for Newcastle in crucial areas of the field. Nolan and Barton are aged 28. Ameobi is aged 29. Compare and contrast with Sunderland. 6 members of their starting 11 were aged 23 or under and not one of those players had a game they would want to remember. I admit, it’s not a hard and fast rule, largely because the other name on my list of the best players on Sunday is 21-year old Andy Carroll, who was simply immense. But you get the point, Sunderland didn’t have enough old heads in key positions. Newcastle did. Steve Bruce admitted as much in his post-match press conference.
3. GIVE THAT MAN A CONTRACT, BUT DON’T WORRY TOO MUCH IF HE DOESN’T GET ONE YET. Chris Hughton has done a remarkable job at St James Park and the tittle-tattle last week was shameful really. The rumours about him losing his job were a new media/internet creation rather than a story with genuine substance. It’s ridiculous to suggest his job should be under threat. On the back of Sunday’s result there’s been a big emotional appeal from fans and players to get the contract situation sorted out. It’s a persuasive argument and it really does feel like a good time for the men upstairs at St James Park to give their manager what he deserves. But these are the Ashley austerity years at Newcastle. Money isn’t splashed around Gallowgate as freely as it was ten years ago. Hard bargains are driven with agents, players and managers. The club have already said they’ll renegotiate Hughton’s deal at the end of the year and they might well feel there’s no need to bring that timetable forward. They’re also fortunate that Hughton is a manager almost without ego, so they know he’s unlikely to rock the boat. Especially when everyone in the boat seems pretty happy right now.
4. DON’T THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER. BUT CONSIDER CHANGING THE BATHWATER. The only credit Sunderland took from Sunday is that they were very honest in their response to it. They adopted a mea culpa approach. They had no choice really. It was a terrible day for the Black Cats and there were no excuses given for their performance. There must be a reaction to this, but they must be careful not to over-react. The system that has served them well for two months was ripped apart and gigantic flaws were exposed. But that doesn’t mean they should abandon everything they’ve done up to now. The Black Cats have played some very good stuff so far this season and they’ve got to trust themselves to put this right. The fans need to trust them too. Personally I think it’s now time to get Asamoah Gyan into the team, as Darren Bent is far too isolated up front. But it’s up to Steve Bruce. He has to make at least one change next weekend with Titus Bramble suspended, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was considering another 4 changes. I don’t think he’ll abandon the 4-5-1 system completely, but a little shake up might be good therapy for everyone right now.
5. BEWARE DERBY DAY FOOLS GOLD. It’s not just three points. It’s not just another match. It IS a special occasion which offers a big payoff in terms of emotion and good will. It IS about pride in your team and your city. It definitely IS about lording it over the neighbours if you win and taking it on the chin if you lose. But it’s unlikely to define your season. Newcastle aren’t definitely going to run roughshod over the premier league just because they put five past Sunderland. The Black Cats aren’t definitely going to suffer a huge crisis of confidence and get drawn into a relegation battle. The emotional high of a Derby win can make it seem like everything. But it’s only 1/38th of the premier league season and Newcastle haven’t cracked it just because they hammered their nearest and dearest, just as Sunderland’s campaign isn’t a complete write-off because of this one result. Two years ago Wearside dined out on a famous Derby win at the Stadium of Light and considered it a launch pad for future success. About six weeks later Roy Keane had gone, they were back in the bottom three and back to square one. I don’t actually think the players or managers on either side will get carried away with this result, but there is a danger that the fans will. The nature of the result means it'll be talked about for years, but in terms of the long term progress of both teams, it's unlikely to mean that much. It’s different in the short term though. Newcastle fans are absolutely entitled to revel in their glory this week and Sunderland fans just have to take it on the chin. Those are the rules of engagement on Derby Day.

It's in the eyes

I looked two proper Middlesbrough fans in the eyes on Tuesday Evening. There was a twinkle. This is the one. This is the man. This is the messiah. Tony Mowbray is Boro’s Shearer. The absolute embodiment of all that the fans hold dear about their club. He has more chance than anyone else in the whole world of unravelling the mess at Middlesbrough. Mowbray looms large over the history of the club. The modern history at least. He was the local boy who got chucked the captain’s armband at Boro's darkest hour. The team he led is rightly revered by the supporters. It seems to me that for Boro fans of a certain age, the Bruce Rioch double-promotion boys are the favourites, the ones that meant the most. Even taking into account the Carling Cup winners and the UEFA Cup finalists. That’s probably because it was a Lazarus tale. A story of a club coming back from the brink. Well now Mowbray’s back and Boro are on the brink again. It’s not the same as the days of the padlocked gates at Ayresome of course, but it still feels like the club is teetering on the edge of something deep, dark and nasty. It’s 4 years of steady decline. It’s the decaying squad that McClaren left behind. It’s Southgate, battling so hard, but struggling to swim against the tide. It’s Strachan, misjudging everything during a miserable 12 months. They’ve come full circle and they’re now in danger of slipping back into the depths that Tony Mowbray helped them escape from a generation back. So what better time for the man from Saltburn to once again switch on the light that burns in his Boro heart. It’s perfect. Almost too perfect and, of course, everyone must realise that there are no guarantees. No divine rights, even for football’s righteous men. He’s inherited problems and they are legion. But if anyone can do it, Mogga can. It’s in the eyes. I looked in his eyes on Tuesday as well. He wants this to work as much as the fans do. Call it destiny. Call it closure. Call it unfinished business. It was in the eyes. Tony Mowbray will have the encouragement and the support of all who carry Boro in their heart. If willpower can move mountains then Mogga is halfway to the moon already.

Goodbye Gordon.

“It’s been bloody awful”. Not my words, Steve Gibson’s words, as he summed up the last two or three years at Boro and particularly, the failure of Gordon Strachan. And failure it was. Complete failure. Underachievement on a grand scale. “We got it wrong” added Gibson. Yes Steve, yes you did. But you shouldn’t burn for that. The Middlesbrough Chairman’s heart was, is, and will always be located in the right place. Strachan SEEMED ideal. It all SEEMED like a good idea. It just didn’t work out and sometimes that’s the way it goes. The outgoing manager still had the support of the majority in the dressing room and some of his players, especially the ones he signed, will miss him. But many at the club will not miss Gordon Strachan. Nor will the media and crucially, nor will the fans. His parting gesture will come to be seen as the best thing about his reign. Waiving his right to compensation was a magnificent, magnanimous gesture from a strange and interesting man. It saved the club millions and it proves Strachan has great integrity. He held up his hands, admitted he couldn’t work out why it had gone wrong and decided he didn’t want to be rewarded for failure. That’s great. Well done. But it doesn’t solve any problems.

Cards on the table at this point. I witnessed first hand Strachan’s awkward, condescending and sometimes downright rude dealings with the media. I received some surly and unhelpful responses to questions that I considered reasonable. But I never really got both barrels. So I’ve got no axe to grind in that respect. I just felt he didn’t trust, or believe in, the whole process of press conferences. As a seasoned football man he’s entitled to his opinion. But it was naïve to think that it didn’t matter. Rightly or wrongly, fans nowadays form their opinions about a football manager based on what they see, hear and read in the media. That opinion, that relationship is important. But Strachan didn’t care. Or maybe he just didn’t get it.

It’s not the only relationship he got wrong. Steve Gibson praised Strachan for all the hard work he did behind the scenes during his year at the club. Fine. But with the benefit of hindsight he didn’t put much effort into original thought. His time at Celtic was constantly referenced. His playing staff was gradually transformed into a Park Head tribute band. He seemed to think that if it worked at Celtic, then of course it would work at Middlesbrough. The pressure of working for the Old Firm was a familiar theme, as if he was saying that Boro was a walk in the park after navigating the mean streets of Glasgow’s football culture. But Middlesbrough’s not Glasgow. Boro aren’t Celtic. The fans share a similar passion, but they support their teams and experience their football in a different way. What works in one place won’t necessarily work in another.

It didn’t work. I thought it would. But it didn’t. Strachan never connected with the fans. He never filled the Riverside with a sense of enthusiasm and he never assembled a team capable of winning on a regular basis. Now he’s just another footnote in Middlesbrough’s chapter of decline. From the high tide mark of Eindhoven and the UEFA Cup final, the fall has been painful and rapid. The appointment of Gareth Southgate was a leap of faith that, in the end, didn’t work out. The appointment of Strachan was supposed to rip out the problem pages and write a new manifesto. But it’s only made things worse. Your next appointment Mr Gibson, now that really is important.

Goodbye predictable, hello volatile

When will this fog clear ? It's the middle of October and I can't see the shapes on the horizon. It's exciting, but also a little scary. Goodbye predictable, hello volatile. Where are the certainties ? Where are the reliably good and the regularly awful ? Apart from the matter of who’s going to win the premier league title, which already appears screamingly obvious (Chelsea), it's suddenly a lot harder to second guess where this thing's going. Which certainly makes a change. By now you can usually pick out at least one nailed-on certainty for premier league relegation. The resoundingly hopeless newcomers or the crumbling institutions heading for financial armageddon. But the usual suspects are suddenly lurking in the shadows. Liverpool are this year's Portsmouth, no one's putting their hand up to be this year's Burnley and so the landscape is shrounded in uncertainty. The promoted sides are all doing rather nicely in their own different ways and so the soft, established underbelly of the Premier League is looking nervously over it's collective shoulder. Someone's got to go, and if you can't even rely on Blackpool then who can you rely on ? Wake up and smell the risk and reward, because someone's going to do very badly out of this and someone's going to do very well.

It could be our lot, for better or worse.

Sunderland have done good business so far despite a brutal fixture list. But it's all very well standing up to the heavyweights, the Black Cats need to prove they can knock out the lightweights. Bossing Man United around is lovely, but why can't the same group of players take the initiative against West Ham ? Or Wigan ? Or West Brom ? Answer that question and Steve Bruce will have cracked it. But it's a two part question, because first he has to unravel his tactical puzzle. The players clearly enjoy the whole 4-5-1 thing, but sometime soon Bruce has to work out how to fit his record signing into the starting line-up. Clubs like Sunderland don't pay the thick end of 15 million for an impact substitute, so Gyan's going to have to play. 3 at the back anyone ?

Newcastle are, of course, the poster boys for the rollercoaster ride and it's reassuring that the Magpies have been gloriously unpredictable. They've basically won the hard ones and lost the easy ones. Sometimes it's seemed ridiculous that they were ever relegated in the first place, sometimes they look like nervous newcomers who don't know when to stick and when to twist. Like the neighbours, they'll be doing some thinking about tactics. The tried and tested 4-4-1-1 is working brilliantly away from home, but they've got bogged down at St James Park. Chris Hughton could change the system, or just switch players around within the same system, but he knows they can’t afford to lose too many home games. He had a tactical ace up his sleeve, but sadly it's a card he might never get to play. Hatem Ben Arfa was a mysterious little sprite who was all set to become the new darling of the Gallowgate. But not now. Think what you like about the circumstances in which the Frenchman's leg was broken, but basically it was just a crying shame. Ben Arfa may still represent the future, but it's the here and now that matters for Newcastle United.

Life's just as unpredictable in the Football League. Especially at Middlesbrough, who are currently searching for reasons to explain their failure to launch. The optimism of August has been replaced by the uncertainty of October and because they were scorching hot pre-season favourites, every bad result seems a whole lot worse. I have no explanations for this, except to say that it's more evidence of the decline of Scottish Football. But that's just a cheap shot and it doesn't really explain anything. Something's up. Something's wrong and Gordon Strachan needs to locate the problem and solve it. Quickly. Crowds are drifting away, the promotion race is taking place somewhere else and the manager's position is coming under mild scrutiny. He's not bothered about that of course, because Mr Strachan genuinely doesn't care what the media thinks. But at the moment most of us think his team should be doing better, and I bet he agrees with us.

Life's deliciously unpredictable over in Cumbria where Carlisle are starring in their very own Ugly Duckling story. The unheralded Blues are threatening to blossom into a beautiful swan. I saw them dismantle Hartlepool the other week and they were really, really good. Greg Abbott rolled the dice in the summer and freshened up the squad. He's also freshened up the way they play and they've even coped with the departure of Old Father Time (Ian Harte). The table says they're promotion contenders - the manager urges caution at this stage. But a good start has put steam in their strides, they've got some serious fans behind them and a land of opportunity opening up in front of them.

Hartlepool need to make their mind up, about a lot of things. For a start they've had a Caretaker Manager for too long now. All a caretaker can really do is keep things ticking over. Mick Wadsworth's been doing a fairly decent job of that and if he's their man then why don't the club just give him the proper job title and let him get on with it ? It's probably going to be a bit of an uphill struggle this year, but there's no need for them to get relegated, as long as the owners decide where they want to go and who they want to get them there.

So when WILL the fog clear ? I'm not sure, but I'll hazard a guess that it might happen round about four o'clock on Halloween Afternoon as Newcastle United and Sunderland return to the dressing rooms at St James Park. Trick or treat ? We'll see.

What do you think of it so far ?

It’s a fair enough question to ask and it’s a fair enough time to ask it as we padlock shut the transfer window, put away our unexpectedly new England shirt and prepare to resume battle on the home front this weekend. So then, how’s the North East and Cumbrian football season looking so far ?

NEWCASTLE UNITED: Exceeding expectations.

It stands to reason that one result doesn’t make a season. But sometimes it kind of does. Newcastle’s six goal annihilation of Villa certainly comes into that category. It was perfect in every way and breathed life into the idea that Newcastle’s strengths in the Championship will also prove to be strengths now they’re back in the premier league. St James Park looked every inch the fortress. Andy Carroll looked every inch the new Geordie number nine. Kevin Nolan looked every inch the wily old campaigner with speed of thought to compensate for any lack of speed on the ground. Newcastle looked every inch United. One result doesn’t make a season, but one giant-sized confidence boost can go a long way and some interesting and thoughtful business in the transfer window can only help. So far, so good.

SUNDERLAND: Coping with expectations.

The Black Cats start to the season could have been better, but it could also have been a lot worse. As they kicked off against Manchester City, they had one point from two games and no senior striker to partner Darren Bent. A couple of hours later they had 4 points after a thoroughly uplifting win over the Premier League’s nouveau riche and by close of business on August 31st they had, arguably, one of the most exciting and ambitious signings made by any English club this summer. Steve Bruce claimed at the end of last season that he was aiming for stability. That was a little red and white lie as it turns out. He’s made many, many changes again this summer and he will live or die by the success or failure of those alterations. The centre forward upgrade is the key. Cashing in on Kenwyne Jones and putting all the eggs in an Asamoah Gyan-shaped basket was a bold move. The Ghanaian could become a superstar, or he could become a cautionary tale of World Cup fools gold.

MIDDLESBROUGH: Absolutely not living up to expectations.

They were favourites to win the Championship before a ball was kicked, yet they’re 16th in the table with just the one laboured win after four games. They haven’t hit the ground running, in fact they’ve barely hit the ground at all. Gordon Strachan has assembled a grizzled cast of experienced campaigners - an Old Firm Dirty Dozen if you will – but so far the chemistry isn’t right. He’s got the marksmen, but no one to load the bullets. He’s got a strong spine, but it all gets a bit flabby down the sides. He’s also been very unlucky with injuries. But that luck will surely change and Strachan is more than capable of sorting out the chemistry problem. Middlesbrough had the players to win that division before a ball was kicked and they still do now. No one gets forever in football, but give it time.

CARLISLE UNITED: Exceeding expectations.

It was hard to judge quite what expectations were at Brunton Park, but Carlisle are definitely exceeding them. They’ve emerged from a summer of much change looking leaner, meaner and fit for purpose. A good start has given them belief and confidence. The new arrivals look better or at least as good as the men they’ve replaced. In Francois Zoko they have a player with cult-hero written all over him and in Greg Abbott they have a manager who is growing in stature all the time. Let’s not get carried away yet, because they’re in the pond with some very big fish this season and Ian Harte’s departure represents a big loss, but let’s give credit where it’s due and remain cautiously optimistic.

HARTLEPOOL UNITED: Living up to expectations. But not in a good way.

They were favourites to go down before a ball was kicked and despite a notable Carling Cup win and a brief dead-cat bounce, they’ve not really calmed the supporters fears. It’s hard to blame the players, who are doing OK, and who must have been aware of the unrest around the club long before Chris Turner held up his hands in frustration and walked away. It’s hard not to blame the owners, who offered Turner little or no encouragement in his attempts to upgrade a squad that only just survived last season. There’s an awful feeling of a business being run-down and mothballed. Mick Wadsworth knows the ropes at this level though, so he’s a capable caretaker who will probably get the full time job. He could yet make a silk purse out of this sow’s ear of a situation.