This is clearly a fool's errand and whatever I say is bound to annoy hundreds of thousands of people one way or another. But what the hell. Here goes....
The formation is 4-4-1-1 and, on principle, Andy Carroll and Darren Bent were not considered. There’s no bias in selection. It’s based on what I’ve seen and how I’ve seen it over the last 9 months.
STEVE HARPER (GK) – Tough choice. There were 4 options and no one entirely nailed it down. All had spells out of favour or out through injury. If I had to pick a man to make a wonder save to win a match, I’d pick Craig Gordon. But he’s fragile and occasionally timid. So I’m going for Mr Reliable. Steve has presence, Steve has character and Steve very rarely messes up.
PHIL BARDSLEY (RB) – I know I’m cheating, but he deserves to be in the team and he is a right back really. Last summer he was destined for a Championship loan-out or Stoke City reserves. The first knockings of the Black Cats epic injury crisis gave him an opportunity and he grabbed it with both hands. Now he’s got a new contract and a left foot he never knew he had.
JOSE ENRIQUE (LB) – Very, very easy choice. He’s answered all the lingering questions left over from the relegation season. He’s been excellent. It wasn’t a vintage year for Ashley Cole or Patrice Evra and Gael Clichy’s overrated, so for me the best left back in the premier league last season was either Leighton Baines or Jose Enrique. Now watch him leave.
FABRIZIO COLOCCINI (CB) – Another one with his fair share of lingering questions to answer after that relegation season and he’s passed his test with flying colours. During his debut premier league campaign he was bullied all over the place. But not this time. The Argentinian has risen to the challenge, become a cult hero on the Gallowgate and I wish I had his hair.
TITUS BRAMBLE (CB) – He was a former Magpie laughing stock and Sunderland fans weren’t exactly bowled over when they bought him. It only took Titus about 5 or 6 games to change their mind. On his day he’s one of the best battering-ram centre backs around. Not quite as formidable after his mid-season injury, but he wasn’t the only one.
JONAS GUTTIEREZ (RM) – A somewhat reluctant selection. I’ve never been his biggest fan and it’s only now, 3 years into his Newcastle career, that I’m beginning to see the point in him. My big problem is his lack of end product. He doesn’t score enough and he doesn’t create enough for a player with his talent. But he works hard and he’s not a show pony, so he’s in.
CHIECK TIOTE (CM) – An unheralded signing who was so good that he was given a new 6-year contract half way through the season. He’s a highly-accomplished midfield destroyer who links play cleverly and moves the ball well. A crowd favourite long before his Lazarus goal against Arsenal. Yes, he get's booked far too much, but he'll grow out of that.
HENDERSON (CM) – I thought long and hard about this one. In fact I changed the formation to fit him in. Partly because I just think he deserves to be part of this team. Partly because he’s the most promising homegrown player in the region post-Carroll. Mostly because he was asked to take on an awful lot this season and he did it all pretty well.
JOEY BARTON (RM) – His form is so good in the present that people have almost stopped talking about his past. Almost, but not quite. He’ll always carry his baggage with him, but he’s found the perfect place to express himself. So he shouldn’t leave. It’s in the best interests of NUFC, Joey Barton and his agent to sort out their differences. A massive, fundamental loss if he leaves.
KEVIN NOLAN (AM) – Captain. Heartbeat. Leader. Top Scorer. Straight talker. Some doubted he’d cope with the athletic side of the premier league, but that was rather missing the point. He’s such a clever player and such a good reader of opponents, that he knows where he needs to be and when he needs to be there. Halloween heroics saw him enter the Hall of Fame.
ASAMOAH GYAN (ST) – He’s done pretty well since his record-busting move and there’s definitely a sprinkling of stardust there. He’s not particularly consistent and he was as bad as everyone else during the great Black Cat collapse of 2011. But he’s a proper player, he’s on twitter and he uses phrases such as “sexy like cheese”.
I present the sport on ITV Tyne Tees and Border. Once, I was question number 3 on the picture round of the quiz at the Blue Bell in Fulwell. My mother was so proud.
